“First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the treasure chest.” The age-old phrase was proved false in my life. I’ve found that being second isn’t always the best. It slowly begins to shape the way you perceive yourself. It only took me 19 years to figure out that the feeling of being a second choice was ingrained in me.
Being the second choice has been a constant theme in my life but I’ve chosen to look at it from the brighter side. Maybe if I’m the second choice, something better is coming for me. Maybe if I’m the second choice, I’ll have time to better prepare for the role. Maybe if I’m the second choice, that person wasn’t for me. Just maybe there’s beauty in being the second choice, but it doesn’t always feel like that.
Throughout high school, I became the secondary best friend, meaning I was the last one to get invited to anything, I never got filled in on the drama first and I became the second phone call when the preferred friend wasn’t available.
I watched a TED Talk once where Kelma Jean recalled being “the backup friend.” They spent years being dragged along and hurt by their friend group because they allowed them to, all while neglecting their true friends. Jean says, “The same people all those years that I should’ve dropped because they hurt me so many times, I took them back because that’s the kind of person I am and I allowed them to hurt me again.”
Jean’s experience opened my eyes to being the second choice. There was a fear and sense of inferiority I felt when being friends with these kinds of people because if I dropped them, I’d have no friends. On the other hand, if I continued being friends with them I was only hurting myself just as badly as they were hurting me. No matter how much hurt comes along with being attached to these people, I couldn’t seem to give them up.
There’s a group of friends I kept around in high school because I didn’t have anyone else and I settled for being chosen second over finding friends who truly appreciated me— ones that sent me invitations, ones that called me with the drama first, and ones that gave as much to me as I gave to them.
Jean shared a few tips that helped me when it comes to not feeling like a second option:
- Defend yourself
- Be your own friend
- Love yourself
- Don’t be dependent on one group of friends
- Leave those that aren’t there for you
One thing I can say is that choosing myself worked out in the end. Every. Single. Time. This was easier said than done because I knew how difficult it was to deal with not getting what I wanted when I wanted it. Not getting the “dream” boy, “dream” friends, and “dream” job. Whatever you can think of, I’ve probably been the second choice in more ways than one because I’m always almost there. As Princess Tiana says:
“Trials and tribulations
I’ve had my share
There ain’t nothing gonna stop me now
‘Cause I’m almost there.”
Taking advice from a fictional princess is a little odd, but there is so much truth in what she says. She’s gone through obstacles and overcome them. She’s taking the rejection and the hardships as a sign to work harder and keep striving for something greater. If I could get on her level of acceptance, then maybe being the second choice wouldn’t have bothered me as much as it always did. I’d be lying if I said it still doesn’t affect me at 22 years old. I can look on the brighter side, but it still takes a chunk of confidence out of me, and chunk by chunk I find myself not having much left to give.
I desperately long to know what it feels like to be the first choice, for just once in my life. It’s unfair I’ve had to deal with disappointment, work extra hard, and leave myself open for last-minute invitations. As a second choice, I thought about whether I was enough or simply wasn’t doing enough. I’m aware those two options sound the same but let me explain— not being enough meant that no matter what I wasn’t going to be someone’s first choice. Not doing enough meant I wasn’t putting my all into what I wanted.
I had a love-hate relationship with being the second choice because it meant that the thing I wanted wasn’t meant for me to have at this time or at all. Whichever one it is, my impatience and frustration only grew more and more as I waited for the alignment of what was meant for me to come through. Spoiler alert: it came through.
I’ve learned that being the second choice didn’t make me any less than but gave me space to be my own first choice. Maybe there’s beauty in being the second choice; it allowed me to spend more time with myself. After all, I am the most important person in my life. Choosing myself was always going to work out. I’m much happier and feel better about myself and the people I surround myself with. I’ve learned to be okay with being someone’s second choice. My inner child has healed from the hurt I felt growing up in the shadow of the first choice.
